I cried over a boy last night
I cried over a boy today I know so little about him I really shouldn't have cried but when he chose her when he chose you I no longer felt pretty I no longer felt beautiful I don't know how you took that from me but I'm crying because I miss it I miss feeling visible I should have seen it coming, there is a reason why our gaze never met I spent the whole night looking at you you spent the whole night looking at her the way you held her is how I imagined you'd hold me It's as if for the last two weeks I was blindfolded and the minute your lips graced the back of her neck I was burned by the blinding truth it will always be her it was always her you will never be her romantic comedies have made you believe that sometimes the stars don't align right away that somehow the butterflies in your stomach are a sign that he is the one ignoring every fiber in your being telling you to run the other way you make me nervous I should never be nervous love is not butterflies or anxiety you do not get to decide when I feel beautiful you took so much from me and the reality is you don't even know it you barely know me
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I think it was the way you smiled
the way you made me grin I haven’t felt that beautiful in so long I gave my heart to you all you ever did was hold it I felt like yours for a moment under your breath in the arms of the moon I saw when you kissed her neck and it all clicked I would never be her Her Her Her suddenly I wasn’t a boy who saw sparks fly in your eyes but instead a laughing stock in the eyes of those who knew I was only ever a joke to you you would always chose her I knew it from the moment we met I should’ve said goodbye I should’ve deleted instead I’m siting writing verses about what can never be Today began with "Good Morning"
and it was I got a phone call at 7 pm a reminder of what once was and what no longer is the people in my life have changed their lives have changed I have changed I don't know what to think or how to feel around you "Good Morning" I hope I get a "Goodnight" I am so proud
last Year on this day I sat afraid but today, Today I was brave I am so proud of the progress you've made it's been 10 days since I've written to you
to me said things honestly I sat in my bed last night and told myself I deserved better deserved to be loved proudly to be loved at all thought that if I said it enough times I'd start to believe it I imagine that I've not simply not reached "enough" particularly because when I look in the mirror and tell myself you are worthy a voice in the back of my mind simply cackles and laughs at illusion of security you wear confidence like a veil something you put on to feel more comfortable when you leave the house but something you shed when you come back home I see right through it we see right through it I see your eyes they look so sad the bags under your eyes look heavy have you ever thought of setting them down I wrote a song last year about the fleeting nature of time
I cried a lot last year I'm crying right now You're gone You're gone there are so many words I've wanted to say it's amazing how much things have changed in just the last year I'm sorry I was never enough I could never have prepared for this have I told you I love you yet? I'm sorry I wasn't there I want to shout You gave up on me You're gone I wrote a song last year about the fleeting nature of time so much has changed I was forced to change I'm glad I did My sheets whisper insecurties
keep me shackled to my bed I am a slave to their will so I do as I am told and sleep never leave never ask for help.... I sat there and gave advice I wished I had followed
said the things I wished someone had said to me stood there and wished it were me in your place wished it was me in your shoes because maybe then I wouldn't feel this broken maybe I'd have a chance at feeling put together maybe you wouldn't have taken so much from me I forgot
I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I want to be there
I want to be there I want to be there I want to be there I want to be there I want to be there but I need to be here I need to fix this I need to fix me |
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February 2020
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