I just got a text from a stranger
is it wrong that I hoped it was from you?
eyes bright yet curious
You never wrote me first
so how could this be true?
I thought, for a moment, what I would say 
"I miss you"
do you miss me too?
or perhaps "When can I see you?"
is that too soon?
but I have to remember
​you never saw me like I did you

I'm so tired of thinking of you
so tired of relishing in the what if moments
so tired of missing you
every time I blink I see us
evreytime I stop I feel your hand on my waist
and then I see your lips on her neck
your palms against hers
So lost in love
So lost in lust
I forgot who I was
who I wanted to be

I should have known better
When you didn't reply I should have stopped
When I started changing my vocabulary I should have quit
When I started mutilating my body for your gaze I should have cut you off
You see I let you take take pieces of me so small I didn't realize they were missing
until after you left 
​

I cried over a boy last night
I cried over a boy today
I know so little about him
I really shouldn't have cried
but when he chose her
when he chose you
I no longer felt pretty
I no longer felt beautiful
I don't know how you took that from me
but I'm crying because I miss it
I miss feeling visible 
I should have seen it coming, there is a reason why our gaze never met
I spent the whole night looking at you 
you spent the whole night looking at her 
the way you held her is how I imagined you'd hold me
It's as if for the last two weeks I was blindfolded
and the minute your lips graced the back of her neck
I was burned by the blinding truth
it will always be her
it was always her
you will never be her
 romantic comedies have made you believe that sometimes the stars don't align right away
that somehow the butterflies in your stomach are a sign that he is the one
ignoring every fiber in your being telling you to run the other way
you make me nervous
I should never be nervous
love is not butterflies
or anxiety
you do not get to decide when I feel beautiful
you took so much from me 
and the reality is 
you don't even know it
you barely know me 

I think it was the way you smiled
the way you made me grin
I haven’t felt that beautiful in so long
I gave my heart to you
all you ever did was hold it
I felt like yours for a moment
under your breath
in the arms of the moon
I saw when you kissed her neck and it all clicked
I would never be her
Her
Her
Her
suddenly I wasn’t a boy who saw sparks fly in your eyes
but instead a laughing stock in the eyes of those who knew
I was only ever a joke to you
you would always chose her
I knew it from the moment we met
I should’ve said goodbye
I should’ve deleted
instead I’m siting writing verses
about what can never be
​

Today began with "Good Morning" 
and it was
I got a phone call at 7 pm
a reminder of what once was
and what no longer is
the people in my life have changed
their lives have changed
I have changed
I don't know what to think 
or how to feel around you
"Good Morning"
​I hope I get a "Goodnight"

I am so proud
last Year 
on this day
I sat afraid
but today,
Today
I was brave
I am so proud
of the progress you've made

it's been 10 days since I've written to you
to me
said things honestly
I sat in my bed last night and told myself I deserved better
deserved to be loved proudly
to be loved at all
thought that if I said it enough times I'd start to believe it
I imagine that I've not simply not reached  "enough"
particularly because when I look in  the mirror 
and tell myself you are worthy
a voice in the back of my mind 
simply cackles and laughs 
at illusion of security
you wear confidence like a veil
something you put on to feel more comfortable when you leave the house
but something you shed when you come back home
I see right through it 
we see right through it
I see your eyes
they look so sad
the bags under your eyes look heavy
have you ever thought of setting them down

I wrote a song last year about the fleeting nature of time
I cried a lot last year
I'm crying right now
You're gone
You're gone
there are so many words I've wanted to say
it's amazing how much things have changed in just the last year
I'm sorry I was never enough
I could never have prepared for this 
have I told you I love you yet?
I'm sorry I wasn't there
I want to shout
You gave up on me
You're gone
I wrote a song last year about the fleeting nature of time 
so much has changed
I was forced to change
​I'm glad I did

​

My sheets whisper insecurties 
keep me shackled to my bed
I am a slave to their will 
so I do as I am told 
and sleep
never leave 
​never ask for help....