I forgot
I forgot 
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot 
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
I forgot
​I forgot

I want to be there
I want to be there
I want to be there
I want to be there
I want to be there
I want to be there
but
I need to be here
I need to fix this
​I need to fix me

I cleaned my room today
said goodbye to a lot of things
said thank you to everything 
I was ready 
I remember watching the show "hoarders" when I was younger
I never thought I'd be one
I didn't finish cleaning today
but I can finally breath again
I thanked everything 
said goodbye to a lot of what belonged to "you"
I was finally ready

I wore my pain like a second skin
grace wrapped in keloid scars 
Sensitive to a change in the wind
or a shadow passing by
my body held the trauma 
that my mind claimed it forgot
the shortness of breath in every unlit parking lot
I see the sweater you wore on every man who tries to touch me
I see your fist whenever anyone raises an arm
when I close my eyes its like I'm still running
still fighting
still catching my breath
hoping I'd survive
I told everyone that you didn't take anything 
I lied
you stole my peace of mind
you see
so much of me was lost that night
I didn't make it out alive

They only love me when I am an object of entertainment
only care to listen when I can make them laugh
only like me when I look like them 
dress like him
act like him
but I am not him
nor will I ever be
veiled femininity
closeteted identity
 praised masculinity
I spent the first half of my life pretending to be what they wanted me to be
doing everything that was asked of me
me
me
​me

My piece about death
has begun sprouting new life
maybe it's because death isn't real
or simply put, the simulation of life might never understand art
life and death always twined 
twinned 
and woven together

You had a piece titled "Why Bryan is so good"
I stopped for a moment 
dumbfounded by the notion that you had compared yourself to me
compared yourself at all
All I've ever done is place myself beneath you 
and here you were 
thinking I was the one on top
thinking I was the bar you had to reach

I woke up alone 
a soft yet warm  light pierced through my eyes 
and the subtle sound of silver on ceramic played a rhythmic tune
...tap
...tap
...tap
it was my father 
I thought about what I knew about him
presumably a lot considering he is my father
presumably enough considering he is my father
presumably anything beyond his first name considering he is my father
but...
I don't know his middle name
I don't know his favorite color
I don't know what music he likes to listen to
I don't know what he does for work

I DO KNOW WHERE HE GOT HIS SLIPPERS
I bought them for him for christmas three years ago
it's one of the few gifts I've ever given him...
on my 6th birthday he gave me a pen 
on my 7th he gave me a tree
​on my 20th he chopped it down
he always gave me things 
he could try to take away from me
but...

I don't know his routine
or how many siblings he has 
I don't know his fathers name
I couldn't tell you about his mother
I'm not sure where he grew up
or if he went to school
I don't know his friends name
or if he has friends at all
how is it possible that I don't know him at all?

Who I am?
I am leather boots 
and Vinyl Coats
Dusted Shadow and a smeared brown lip
I am glasses and a paisley print shirt
I am corduroy and denim
I am naked not nude
an Imposter 
broken and stitched back together
but the seams won't hold 
their are tears in the fabric of my being
I am all of this and more 
but still struggling to comprehend what the notion trully means
Who Am I?

Intimidated by the mere act of doing 
I forgot how to exist
how to love
and be loved in return
I quivered under your breath
every time you stood up I was afraid you'd walk away
last night in your arms 
was heaven sent
this morning
I'm in hell again
tormented by memories
that, for now, will never see the light of day
tormented by thoughts 
that, for now, remind me that this is not okay
so goodbye. 
block
delete
erase photographs 
​erase memories