I forgot
I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot I forgot
1 Comment
I want to be there
I want to be there I want to be there I want to be there I want to be there I want to be there but I need to be here I need to fix this I need to fix me I cleaned my room today
said goodbye to a lot of things said thank you to everything I was ready I remember watching the show "hoarders" when I was younger I never thought I'd be one I didn't finish cleaning today but I can finally breath again I thanked everything said goodbye to a lot of what belonged to "you" I was finally ready I wore my pain like a second skin
grace wrapped in keloid scars Sensitive to a change in the wind or a shadow passing by my body held the trauma that my mind claimed it forgot the shortness of breath in every unlit parking lot I see the sweater you wore on every man who tries to touch me I see your fist whenever anyone raises an arm when I close my eyes its like I'm still running still fighting still catching my breath hoping I'd survive I told everyone that you didn't take anything I lied you stole my peace of mind you see so much of me was lost that night I didn't make it out alive They only love me when I am an object of entertainment
only care to listen when I can make them laugh only like me when I look like them dress like him act like him but I am not him nor will I ever be veiled femininity closeteted identity praised masculinity I spent the first half of my life pretending to be what they wanted me to be doing everything that was asked of me me me me My piece about death
has begun sprouting new life maybe it's because death isn't real or simply put, the simulation of life might never understand art life and death always twined twinned and woven together You had a piece titled "Why Bryan is so good"
I stopped for a moment dumbfounded by the notion that you had compared yourself to me compared yourself at all All I've ever done is place myself beneath you and here you were thinking I was the one on top thinking I was the bar you had to reach I woke up alone
a soft yet warm light pierced through my eyes and the subtle sound of silver on ceramic played a rhythmic tune ...tap ...tap ...tap it was my father I thought about what I knew about him presumably a lot considering he is my father presumably enough considering he is my father presumably anything beyond his first name considering he is my father but... I don't know his middle name I don't know his favorite color I don't know what music he likes to listen to I don't know what he does for work I DO KNOW WHERE HE GOT HIS SLIPPERS I bought them for him for christmas three years ago it's one of the few gifts I've ever given him... on my 6th birthday he gave me a pen on my 7th he gave me a tree on my 20th he chopped it down he always gave me things he could try to take away from me but... I don't know his routine or how many siblings he has I don't know his fathers name I couldn't tell you about his mother I'm not sure where he grew up or if he went to school I don't know his friends name or if he has friends at all how is it possible that I don't know him at all? Who I am?
I am leather boots and Vinyl Coats Dusted Shadow and a smeared brown lip I am glasses and a paisley print shirt I am corduroy and denim I am naked not nude an Imposter broken and stitched back together but the seams won't hold their are tears in the fabric of my being I am all of this and more but still struggling to comprehend what the notion trully means Who Am I? Intimidated by the mere act of doing
I forgot how to exist how to love and be loved in return I quivered under your breath every time you stood up I was afraid you'd walk away last night in your arms was heaven sent this morning I'm in hell again tormented by memories that, for now, will never see the light of day tormented by thoughts that, for now, remind me that this is not okay so goodbye. block delete erase photographs erase memories |
AuthorThese are my thoughts Archives
February 2020
Categories |