All I know
I know what I must look like
desperate for love as I refuse to practice what I preach
"be patient, he's out there"
"don't settle for less than you deserve"
and though I repeat the ritual
It's hard to hear unspoken words
all I've ever loved are strangers
"but please don't leave me"
they always leave
it's always me
the one who says it first
and wears "I love you"
like a second sleeve
but "who could a love broken dying thing?"
"I love you" leaves my mouth more often than hello
I like to think it's always searching for a home
I love you doesn't nest in empty vessels
and self hate has never furnished homes
so "I love you" leaves my body
since self hate is all I know
A letter to you
I am writing this letter at midnight because it appears I can only see in the dark. I'll miss our talks, though they were mostly one sided, you were always such a good listener. I am writing this now because for a second it has sinked in that you will never love me, at least not in the way I would like you to, not in the way that I do you. I had hoped I'd find the strength to tell you goodbye but the fact of the matter is, every time I reach out to beg you to walk away I find myself distracted with "hello" and "how are you". Though, worst of all, I find myself missing you in moments when I am alone. I am always the boy at the bon fire you wouldn't leave alone, the one you sang for at the crack of dawn, the one you held at the wedding, the one you watched sun come up with so many times. We've seen so many sun rises that perhaps the ritual is what bound me to you. Goodbye, not forever, but definitely for a while. I can't live my life afraid of you walking away. I can't live my life in hopes that maybe there will come a day. Goodbye, you deserve the world, it's just hard knowing I can't be the one to share it with you.
Clarity comes in brief moments when I'm around you
One second things make sense and I know how this story ends
The next I am in your arms and feel beautiful again
I can't hate you for being who you are
just as I expect the same
I can't hate you for being kind
but love is a losing game
I can't believe I fell again
I can't believe I'm here again
Do I ask you to leave
or must I try to walk away
perhaps if I don't look into your eyes
I won't lose myself this time
perhaps if I stop coming by
But you see
clarity comes in brief moments when I'm around you
and yet my vision is always blurred
I don't see things for what they are
for what they might be
that is my tragic flaw
the thing that will always undo me
You saved me from myself on Saturday night
I treated you to dinner
gave me a bracelet that meant a first for you
Am I first for you?
You asked me wear it
So I do
only, when I put it on it's as though I am willingly shackling my spirit to yours
I can't blame you this time because I put the cuffs on myself
now I belong to you again
at least in the sense that I'm constantly thinking about you
about what ifs
I know how this story ends
but I can't stop my heart from dreaming
These are my thoughts