I know what I must look like
desperate for love as I refuse to practice what I preach "be patient, he's out there" "don't settle for less than you deserve" and though I repeat the ritual It's hard to hear unspoken words in fact, all I've ever loved are strangers something fast something easy something quick "but please don't leave me" yet, they always leave and trust, it's always me the one who says it first and wears "I love you" like a second sleeve but "who could a love broken dying thing?" still, "I love you" leaves my mouth more often than hello I like to think it's always searching for a home you see I love you doesn't nest in empty vessels and self hate has never furnished homes so "I love you" leaves my body since self hate is all I know
1 Comment
Dear ______,
I am writing this letter at midnight because it appears I can only see in the dark. I'll miss our talks, though they were mostly one sided, you were always such a good listener. I am writing this now because for a second it has sinked in that you will never love me, at least not in the way I would like you to, not in the way that I do you. I had hoped I'd find the strength to tell you goodbye but the fact of the matter is, every time I reach out to beg you to walk away I find myself distracted with "hello" and "how are you". Though, worst of all, I find myself missing you in moments when I am alone. I am always the boy at the bon fire you wouldn't leave alone, the one you sang for at the crack of dawn, the one you held at the wedding, the one you watched sun come up with so many times. We've seen so many sun rises that perhaps the ritual is what bound me to you. Goodbye, not forever, but definitely for a while. I can't live my life afraid of you walking away. I can't live my life in hopes that maybe there will come a day. Goodbye, you deserve the world, it's just hard knowing I can't be the one to share it with you. Cordially, Bryan Clarity comes in brief moments when I'm around you
One second things make sense and I know how this story ends The next I am in your arms and feel beautiful again I can't hate you for being who you are just as I expect the same I can't hate you for being kind but love is a losing game I can't believe I fell again I can't believe I'm here again Do I ask you to leave or must I try to walk away perhaps if I don't look into your eyes I won't lose myself this time perhaps if I stop coming by the love the lust might die But you see clarity comes in brief moments when I'm around you and yet my vision is always blurred I don't see things for what they are instead for what they might be and that that is my tragic flaw the thing that will always undo me You saved me from myself on Saturday night
I treated you to dinner gave me a bracelet that meant a first for you Am I first for you? You asked me wear it So I do only, when I put it on it's as though I am willingly shackling my spirit to yours I can't blame you this time because I put the cuffs on myself and now now I belong to you again at least in the sense that I'm constantly thinking about you about us about what ifs I know how this story ends but I can't stop my heart from dreaming |
AuthorThese are my thoughts Archives
February 2020
Categories |