I looked in the mirror and saw him today
He was everything I didn't want to be 
He was everything I tried not to be
He was never there for me 
but today
​today
he said he was proud of me
today he said that he cared
and the problem was... 
​I wanted to believe him

It's been six years
and I still talk about you
still talk about it
the thing you did
the thing that undid me
I cried on my 18th birthday because I should've said something sooner
I should've asked for help
but how could I
when I couldn't even give your act a name
I broke down on my 20th birthday because it still hurt
because I still hurt
I am still hurting
and now
now I'm turning 22
and realizing that you.....
​you have probably never thought of me
but I
I will always think of you
when I think of me.

His smile was magnetic
Addictive to say the least
and after being baptized in a pool of sorrow
I didn't know that happiness was something I could achieve

And the winner is....
Not You
your heart sinks 
but you applaud anyway
 thank them for the nomination
and try not to look
"too" disappointed
try not to look like you cared
"too" much
try not too look
"too" upset
So you hold back the tears 
and let them have their moment
All the while,
imagining what it must feel like to win
what it must feel like to be them
to be anyone other than you 
right now.
The moment swept you up in its arms so high
you could not see 
that this was never a loss
it was simply just not
​Your Moment.

Darkness held me like the toxic lover it was
it is
Firm grasp and unwavering strength
It whispers in my ear
that I will never be good enough
that I simply could never be “enough”
so I submit
and watch as it takes fragments of my soul
and pollutes them.
watch as it rips pieces of my heart
and hides them
watch as it strips me of my skin
and leaves me broken.
vulnerable
and afraid
It's the closest I've ever been to a crime scene
Darkness is the closest I've ever been to a murderer

Those boys will never love you
They love music
a sweet tune
They love art
but you will never be their muse
Because you are a summer secret
something dark
they must keep hidden
They don't call you by your name
As if this alleviates the shame
The Shame they carry
for “loving” someone like...
“loving” someone broken
“loving” someone so...
Those men will never love you
they will never hold your hand
They will never treat you to lunch
but how can you eat
when you've already swallowed
swallowed your tongue
swallowed your words
swallowed your pride
and forgotten your worth.
You have never loved you
and so you don't understand
That They...
they will never love you.