I told myself I was doing a study of form and figure
As I lay there hoping to die... The sky looked so empty I felt so empty Existing was hard enough
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they will ask you to cripple in their arms
as they feed you lies about the person you are meant to be... give them every reason to be upset.... Living feels a lot like drowning
I put forth an incredible amount of effort as I try to be seen try to be heard though I know with every passing breath every short-lived moment I am dying Sinking further down an abyss I’ve come to know as home All I’ve ever known is how to catch my breath in a pool you never let me drown in Dear Mom,
A flower in your garden of three is dying it began to wilt years ago I remember when you noticed you couldn't help but blame yourself. Asked what you could do differently so you showered it with love let it bathe in your warmth reminded it that its roots were a foundation to lean on a foundation of stability a foundation of strength but still the parasite ate away at the beautiful bud weak stem and petals that never got to unfold still you always said it was beautiful always hoped it would find the light but darkness enveloped the seed and gripped it so tight it barely reached the surface and now now the plant is dying and I just hope when it passes you don't find a way to blame yourself I dream of telling you "I love you"
sparks fly the minute you say it back but the butterflies in my stomach will die the second I am reminded that "we" could never be. I dream of a petal picked romance, a balance of high and low moments you remind me that my dark days are just that... moments... I bathed myself in your kindness and watched as it mended my wounds conversations with you are enlightening I don't know how it is that you do, what you do but it hurts it hurts attempting to convince myself that you are not the one when every fiber in my being is telling me to love you telling me to care and at the same time reminding me to stop. I looked in the mirror and saw him today
He was everything I didn't want to be He was everything I tried not to be He was never there for me but today today he said he was proud of me today he said that he cared and the problem was... I wanted to believe him It's been six years
and I still talk about you still talk about it the thing you did the thing that undid me I cried on my 18th birthday because I should've said something sooner I should've asked for help but how could I when I couldn't even give your act a name I broke down on my 20th birthday because it still hurt because I still hurt I am still hurting and now now I'm turning 22 and realizing that you..... you have probably never thought of me but I I will always think of you when I think of me. His smile was magnetic
Addictive to say the least and after being baptized in a pool of sorrow I didn't know that happiness was something I could achieve And the winner is....
Not You your heart sinks but you applaud anyway thank them for the nomination and try not to look "too" disappointed try not to look like you cared "too" much try not too look "too" upset So you hold back the tears and let them have their moment All the while, imagining what it must feel like to win what it must feel like to be them to be anyone other than you right now. The moment swept you up in its arms so high you could not see that this was never a loss it was simply just not Your Moment. Darkness held me like the toxic lover it was it is Firm grasp and unwavering strength It whispers in my ear that I will never be good enough that I simply could never be “enough” so I submit and watch as it takes fragments of my soul and pollutes them. watch as it rips pieces of my heart and hides them watch as it strips me of my skin and leaves me broken. vulnerable and afraid It's the closest I've ever been to a crime scene Darkness is the closest I've ever been to a murderer |
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February 2020
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