Clouds frequently symbolize change because they themselves come and go. I ponder over the ability to change and transform so often but rarely discuss what I am doing to jumpstart it. Truth be told, the idea of change is scary. Alone, it is an adventure into the unknown making it all the more frightening. As an individual, I hold the power to be a different person then I was five minutes ago but realistically, I am often unable to let go of whatever is tethering me to that part of my life. Unlike clouds, who are ephemeral and leave no trace once they are gone, I leave behind an imprint of the path I walk on. Because I may choose to ignore something, it doesn't mean it no longer exists. Change is not impossible but believing that we are some how capable of carrying around everything we've been trying to move on from without ever acknowledging the wound seems absurd. A person who ignores what they have been trying to fix will never not feel broken and disconnected from the person they are trying to become.
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Today I stumbled upon Henri Cartier- Bresson's book "The Decisive Moment" who's title alone served as inspiration for my shoot. Though I have not read it, I do plan on seeing how Cartier expands on the title but for now it made me wonder if their inherently was a "decisive moment" in life itself? Although my interpretation of the title may not be exact, do we consider that decimal of a second in which the process of dealing with unexpected circumstances "the decisive moment"? Is life intrinsically made up of a sum of "decisive moments" all formulating what we come to know as our own equilibrium? When someone tells you they love you, how do you respond? When a stranger trips, do you catch them? When your hat is blown away, do you run after it?The only way I know how to step aside from darkness is to shed light on it. Speak about the terrible things that have occurred in your life. Interrupt the cycle of oppression by acknowledging that it exists. Save a life by talking about your assault, save your own life by seeking help. The overpowering nature of darkness consumes us until we wallow in a pool of our own sorrow. Be the helping hand you need to guide you into the light.As I approach the final ten days of this challenge I've thought a lot about why I began this challenge initially. Ultimately, the goal was to begin to understand who I was as an artist and figure out why I wanted to create at all. However, today I was reminded of the fact that my identity is a constantly changing thing, therefore can I ever truly know who I am? As people, are we bound to a life of simply attempting to understand who we are without ever truly finding out? There have been so many moments in my life that I thought I had figured out who I was meant to be only to uncover that it was simply a phase? How do we ever know when its okay to stop searching? Should we ever stop searching?This past week has been exhausting to say the least, it feels as though I've been working non stop because of all of my obligations. In order to get through the week I have found it necessary to use up every last minute to work on something I needed to do. Tomorrow I'm taking sometime to really sit and relax before I start working under the stress of deadlines once again!My relationship with spirituality has always been something I've wanted to share openly. About a month ago I briefly opened up on my Instagram how the idea of turning to a higher power fascinated me but I didn't go into further detail because I wasn't sure how to put it in words. I now realize that the idea of salvation is what intrigues me the most. To me, salvation is about forgiveness. I've messed up so many time in my life and unfortunately I have hurt those who I hold close. The thought of someone saving me from the guilt I carry is alluring. A higher power with the ability to look at me and simply forgive all my flaws is intrinsically empowering. For me, spirituality has been about learning to love myself by believing that somebody else could love me.I still remember the first time you said hello. You managed to ignite a fire in my heart when it felt like the rest of the world had put it out. And so, when I began to feel you fade away I instantly knew something was wrong. I tried my best to salvage the relationship you seemed so uninterested in. But I quickly learned that you can only water a wilting flower for so long before it finnally dies. I spent months agonizing because of the loss of a person who meant so much to me. Then one day at an attempt to win you over, I figured I had to tell you how much you meant to me. I poured my heart out in front of others, I listed everything about you that I missed and everything about you that I loved. In fact, I made sure to elaborate on how you made me a better artist just by being around me everyday. And so, when you looked me in the eyes and told me you didn't love me anymore, you forced me to learn how to spark a flame on my own.Today I am posting significantly later than usual because I got to the end of my image and struggled to understand why I even created the piece to begin with. Even though I was fond of the composition I became concerned that the image spoke nothing about me therefore, I chose to hold back on posting, I even considered not posting at all out of fear of what you guys might think of me. This 30day challenge is about me I shouldn't have to worry so much about your validation ad for a second I forgot. That is why after much thought and consideration I am posting to remind myself that I don't always have to take my craft so serious. Photography is fun and at times under the stress of deadlines I begin to fall out of love with my ability to create. Today, my image serves as a reminder and message to myself, HAVE FUN!!I often find that it is necessary to remind myself that extreme feelings of sadness or overwhelming amounts of anxiety will ultimately subside. For me, my depression comes in waves and when it hits I feel its heavy hand pressing down on my chest. My depression makes it hard to breath without critiquing the measures I take to inhale oxygen. But be that as it may, I've tasted happiness even if just for a moment. I know its warm giddy smile like the back of my hand. I've memorized the number of butterflies I feel in my stomach when I know its coming around. It never stays long enough for me know what it means to be a happy person, but it has made its impression on my heart. Sometimes knowing that it has to get better is all the more reason to keep living. The amount of times I've felt like I wanted to die can no longer be counted on one hand but, at least the amount of time that feeling sticks around has gotten smaller. I don't think I could ever be "cured" of my depression, however, I do think that I could learn to better manage it. But, in order for that to occur, I have to at least stick around long enough for the sun to come out of the clouds.I woke up this morning feeling incredibly ill and dreaded the thought of having to create. I worried over not being being able to craft an image because all I wanted to do was rest. And so, I created an image that displayed exactly what I desired. I don't think there is enough importance stressed on value or necessity of rest. In fact, I think in some twisted way society has begun to romanticize the idea that an individual to busy to care about their health is admirable. Resting and relaxation is where most of my ideas initially begin, dreaming is sensational. In my dreams I am free of all inhibitions, I can fly without worrying about falling, I can swim without fear of drowning. Do not disregard your bodies need to refresh itself, sleeping is a gateway to your imagination. |
AuthorThese are my thoughts Archives
February 2020
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